


I'm Here

by i-eat-the-whole-ass (pleasejustno)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Past!BokuAka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 22:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4238649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasejustno/pseuds/i-eat-the-whole-ass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo pines for his best friend, but that's okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [puppykihyun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppykihyun/gifts).



The day Bokuto tells him that he's started dating Akaashi, Kuroo's getting a drink from the vending machine.

For a moment, the air around Kuroo pauses, and he feels stuck in time as the other students of his college move past him seemingly in a blur. The clatter of his drink as it falls into the collection compartment makes him snap back to reality, and he bends, stiff, to pick it up. Bokuto watches him silently, happiness clearly on his face, waiting for a reaction from Kuroo.

The taller male stands with his cold drink in his hand, letting the chill of it ache his bones, and turns to Bokuto. He tries to smile, but it's wavering, and he feels hollow inside. "Congratulations," he says as he pats Bokuto on the shoulder once, but the happy word feels like sand choking up his throat. He walks away before Bokuto can say any more to him.

As he walks down the wrong corridor, he realises that the machine had not given him back his change. It makes him smile tightly.

_I give, and I give. But never do I get anything back in return._

_However..._

Kuroo pauses before an empty classroom with its windows open. The wind blowing in through them brushes his hair off his face, and he opens his drink, taking a swig of it as he walks into the classroom and sits by a window. 

_This is okay. It's okay._

 

* * *

 

The lecturer drones on and on. Kuroo fades out of consciousness, and he lies his head on the table, closing his eyes. He dreams.

 

_The squeaking of sports shoes on the court. The smell of Salonpas in the air. The sweat trickling down his face, into his eyes. It stings, and he blinks it away. The burn of his muscles._

_Hot, hot heat._

_Someone slaps him on the back, and he turns._

_Equally sweaty, the captain of Fukurodani's volleyball club grins at him._

_"Tired already? Pah! Kuroo, you loser!" Bokuto hands him his towel, and he wipes the sweat off his eyes gratefully._

_"Good game," he says in reply._

_"It always is when it's both our teams. Honestly, I'd say it's because of the both of us," Bokuto winks, then laughs._

_The both of us. He smiles at his friend of nearly three years. His best friend._

_"Bokuto-san!" someone calls from ahead of them._

_It's Akaashi._

_Kuroo watches as Bokuto's face lights up even brighter than before. He watches as the Fukurodani VBC captain immediately heads towards where his setter is standing, waiting._

_Away from him. His eyes sting again, but it's not because of his sweat this time._

 

"...o-kun!"

Kuroo awakens, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. 

His teacher glares down at him. "Do pay attention," she snaps, and walks away briskly, back to the front of the class. He brings a hand to rub at his eyes, and it comes away wet.

_Eh? How funny. This doesn't usually happen._

He wipes his hand on his shirt, then picks up his pen and starts scribbling down the lecture notes on the board.

 

* * *

 

Maybe Bokuto tells him a lot about his relationship with Akaashi.

Maybe he doesn't.

Kuroo doesn't quite remember. He doesn't really want to.

Bokuto even tells him that he broke up with Akaashi, but at that moment Kuroo's building sandcastles in the air, and doesn't register the piece of information.

He gives another one of his automated responses, according to Bokuto's tone of voice. After four years, it's become a natural reflex.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he says, tone blank, eyes blank, mind blank. The response is the one he uses when Bokuto tells him Fukurodani's lost a game, or when Bokuto tells him his shoes have torn, or that he got into a small accident.

It wasn't that Kuroo didn't care enough to listen. Bokuto didn't need someone to reassure him or comfort him, he just needed someone to listen to him, and Kuroo understood that very well. Kuroo was his best listener.

Kuroo understood.

He always had.

It isn't until they are hanging out one hot day and Kuroo picks up Bokuto's phone to see what games he had newly downloaded that he finds out about the break-up.

"Played any new mobile games recently? It's been so long since I went through your phone," he says, picking up Bokuto's phone.

Bokuto's wallpaper is a picture of him and Akaashi, smiling into the camera, and Kuroo's heart twinges when he sees the wallpaper. He remembers now why he hasn't touched Bokuto's phone in such a long time.

He quickly goes to the menu, not wanting to look at the wallpaper any longer than he should have to, but he forces himself to ask about Akaashi. It's out of care for his best friend, he tells himself.

"We broke up," Bokuto says quietly, and Kuroo's skin prickles.

He hates this feeling.

This feeling of glee. It's disgusting, and despicable. His best friend and his love is sad before him, and all he feels is some sort of deplorable happiness that makes him want to jump around.

"I told you last week," Bokuto adds. He looks at Kuroo with those eyes of his. "But you probably weren't feeling too well and didn't hear."

Waves of guilt crash over Kuroo suddenly, drowning his glee, choking him up. 

Even now... Even now, Bokuto was making excuses for  _him_ while he was being happy that his best friend had broken up and was sad.

_This is why I hate myself... And this is why I love him._

Kuroo holds his head in his hands, and says nothing. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he isn't able to.

He can't even give words of consolation.

_Pathetic._

But Bokuto is a saint, and he forgives, and he forgets. He, too, understands. 

He understands, just not in the way Kuroo wished he did.

Their relationship continues the way it always has, toughening itself up as it rides on rocky roads, and healing any cuts and bruises accumulated along the way on its own.

It's always been just that special, and Kuroo is glad for that.

_It's okay like this._

After that day, he doesn't ask Bokuto about the break-up, and neither of them brings it up again.

When Kuroo looks at Bokuto's phone the next day, the wallpaper has been changed.

 

* * *

 

Two months later, Bokuto brings up Akaashi of his own accord.

They're at the beach, and it's yet another hot day.

It's always hot on the days they're together.

Kuroo's red-striped umbrella shifts in the sand a little, and he rights it.

"I saw Akaashi yesterday," Bokuto says, and a strong breeze blows.

Kuroo is quiet, and doesn't look at him. He will let Bokuto continue.

Kuroo understands.

And continue, Bokuto does. "We smiled at each other, but that was all that happened. I'd like to say that I'm over it, but I don't really think I am. I'd like to cry, but not where everyone can see. You'd think that rainy days are the best days for crying, but I think different. Hot days like these are the best days to cry, because your tears would dry up quickly, and everyone else could probably just attribute it to being sweat. And one should cry on a beach, too, that way, they can use the excuse that sand got in their eye if someone asks why they have tears on their face."

There's something in Bokuto's tone that suggests he is unsure of himself, but Kuroo lets it pass.

"Crying isn't something to be ashamed of," Kuroo says, lying back down on the large mat they've laid out with his sunglasses on.

_Hypocrite. How many times have you cried in the quiet of your own room, in the darkness, because you didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to see, not even the creatures of the night, that you've been pining for and loving this one boy who doesn't love you back, not in the way you want him to?_

Kuroo smiles up at the skeleton of his umbrella. It's not a happy smile.

"I know that," Bokuto replies from above, and he lies down next to Kuroo, "But I still can't help feeling pathetic and embarrassed when I cry in public."

Kuroo hums in understanding.

"Ah, even now a tear's slipping out," Bokuto laughs, but Kuroo hears the true nature of the laugh, and he tears up, too.

"Don't cry near me. You  _know_ I cry when you cry. I'm crying now, too, damn it."

"Let's go into the water then, that way no one will know," Bokuto sits up, retying the strings of his surf shorts.

They race into the sea, and swim into deeper waters, splashing about at each other. They're laughing, and they're crying.

"I'm crying so hard right now!" Bokuto shouts at him over the crash of waves.

Kuroo laughs, fresh hot tears streaming down his face to mingle with the cold water of the sea. 

Everything's salty, and he doesn't know if he's tasting his tears or the seawater when he opens his mouth to reply.

"I'm crying harder!" And he really is. 

He hopes the sea can soak in his tears and his pain before they go back to shore.

 

* * *

 

Eyes dry and bodies dry, they sit at a small bar by the beach, sipping on cool drinks.

"It's hot," Bokuto announces, and Kuroo echoes him, but quieter.

"Did you have fun?"

Kuroo nods, "Tell me when I am never having fun when I am with you."

"Aw, Kuroo, that's such a romantic thing to say," Bokuto laughs.

_If only you knew._

Later, they go back to their mat and their striped umbrella to compare tans.

"Holy crap, Kuroo! Check this out," Bokuto pulls his shorts down a little, and Kuroo takes off his sunglasses to look at the tan.

"Heh. Can't beat mine!" He pulls the band of his shorts down to show Bokuto his tan.

"Ceasefire. No winners." Bokuto pouts.

"Sore loser," Kuroo chuckles.

Silence ascends after that, but it's a comfortable one.

The heat of the sun is bearable with the strong breeze blowing against their naked torsos and messing up their hair.

Kuroo puts his sunglasses back on and looks at Bokuto.

The other boy's hair is down, like his, and long, covering his eyes. He gets glimpses of those amber eyes every time the wind blows at their faces. He wonders what Bokuto is thinking, looking out to sea with an expression of deep thought on his face.

"Shall we go to look at some tide pools later?" he suggests, and Bokuto looks at him.

"Let's do it now," and he stands, dragging Kuroo with him along the beach.

 

* * *

 

"Barnacles!" Bokuto yells.

"I think I just cut myself on one," Kuroo mutters.

"Be careful," Bokuto cautions, and he holds out a hand for Kuroo.

They climb over heated rocks and warm shifting sand, sinking their feet into dozens of cold pools. Bokuto nearly steps on a stray starfish in one.

 _It's okay like this_ , Kuroo tells himself as he takes Bokuto's hand for support as he climbs over another large rock.

Under the shade of some larger rocks, they rest, their bottoms soaking in a larger pool, and Bokuto rests the back of his head against the cool rock.

"This is okay, isn't it," Bokuto voices, "Kuroo?"

Kuroo stops breathing for a moment.

"Yeah," he sighs in return.

"Hm," Bokuto smiles serenely, and dozes off.

Kuroo watches his soft breathing for a while, gazing fondly at his face as the wind gently brushes his hair off his forehead again and again, before the crashing of waves and whispering of the wind lulls him into dozing off as well.

 

* * *

 

Kuroo opens his eyes to a lovely painting of blues, purples, and pinks of the gentlest brushstrokes.

It's the sky, and at the border where sky and sea separate, the sun is slowly sinking.

"Are you awake now?" Bokuto's face comes into view, and it's close. So close, that Kuroo leans forward and kisses him.

The crashing of the waves is loud, but the crashing of thoughts in his head is even louder. This is it. This is where things will change, for better or for worse, and Kuroo is scared, his lips trembling as he presses them to Bokuto's.

_Any time now...and all this would be over._

But minutes pass, and it's not over.

Bokuto leans into him, pressing them both into the secrecy of their very own tide pool, against the cool rock, and a tear slips out of the corner of his eye unwillingly.

"Sand in your eye?" Bokuto breaks the kiss and smiles at him.

Kuroo laughs, and more tears fall.

"This is okay, right, Kuroo?" he asks, and Kuroo nods, pulling him back in for another teary kiss.

 

* * *

There's no shame or embarrassment when they're walking back to their mat on the more crowded part of the beach. 

They walk close together, but it's always been this way.

 _Not much has_ _changed_ ,Kuroo thinks,  _but somehow everything's changed. What a funny thing their relationship was._

They pack up their stuff and get into the bus to go back to town.

Bokuto takes the window seat and falls asleep on the bus, the way he always does, and Kuroo smiles at that.

_Special, was what their relationship was._

He doesn't realise he's said his thoughts out loud until Bokuto opens his eyes and faces him.

"You know, I've known since I told you I started dating..." he trails off.

Kuroo waits for him to continue.

"I knew, but I was scared. I'm not as dense as everyone thinks I am. I was just scared. The reason why we broke up was because Akaashi knew, too, and voiced my fears, and it was then that I realised how silly I was. That boy, he's so observant. It's annoying sometimes. It's true that I initially thought I was in love with Akaashi, but after we started college, things changed, and I saw that you were the one always there for me, no matter what. The fact that my own boyfriend tells me that I'm in love with my best friend," Bokuto huffs, "Embarrassing."

"I don't hold that against you, I was scared, too. We all try to convince ourselves when we're scared about something."

Bokuto's fingers wriggle into his palm, and they hold hands. "Well, now I'm not."

"I won, didn't I," Kuroo grins at him, "I faced my fears head-on first."

"There's no win or lose in love!" Bokuto insists, squeezing Kuroo's hand in his.

"You sore loser," Kuroo laughs, and Bokuto blows in his ear, making him fidget and try to tickle Bokuto's sides.

Someone behind them shushes them, and against the window of the bus, with the darkening sky behind Bokuto's head, his amber eyes glow.

Kuroo sees the first sparkle of stars in the sky, and he points at them. They watch as night finally falls, and more stars emerge to twinkle against the dark canvas.

Bokuto leans his head against Kuroo's shoulder, closing his eyes, and whispers, "Thank you for always understanding."

It's still the most romantic thing Bokuto's said to him so far, even though his stomach gurgles loudly in hunger.

"I love you, too," Kuroo whispers into Bokuto's soft hair, and they fall asleep to the rumbling of the bus and their own empty stomachs, tired from the events of the day.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> bokuto's hair is soft even though they played in super salty seawater don't ask me why. he just has special hair!!
> 
> they cried a lot and i myself teared up a lot while writing this bc i was listening to like sad but hopeful music and yeaaaa....
> 
> if you feel they're OOC, don't hesitate to tell me why and how i can improve on my characterizations of these two!!
> 
> i feel like it's overdramatic in some ways, but i don't feel like changing the overall feel of this story. i hope i was able to convey my (PATHETIC) emotions here, and sorry if it's not what you expected or wanted ( ; A ; )
> 
> AKSJDHEHFRWKEH I JUST REALISED u asked for a T rating but it's G omg...is that okay.... or do u want me to put something in so it'll be a T rating? im rly so sorry!! got too caught up in wanting it to be romantic :'|


End file.
